Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
