Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
