My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
