Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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