he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Found the puke drawer
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
