I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize