Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Randomize
