guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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