shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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