I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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