Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
