So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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