He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
