so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
