For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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