Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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