My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
