Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You smell like stripper and shame
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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