the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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