woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
