just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize