I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
As shirtless as possible
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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