Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
