My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
