Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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