I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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