im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
