Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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