John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
