i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
