I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
