why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
