Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dick very happy bro
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
