my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We have so much sex to catch up on
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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