my vag is so smooth its legendary
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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