Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
