Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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