I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
