She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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