So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
