Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Say something about gay babies.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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