I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize