Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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