Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
you made out with another girl for some wings
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize