dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
