Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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