I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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