Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
