i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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