Where is the hickey?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
