I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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