I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
