Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
