There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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