im about as happy as oj after his trial
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
