im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
