I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
