I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
