I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
