how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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