dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
