I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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